7/28/ 2008

…When I look in the reflection of a window or store mirror, I see myself; a yellow feline, male, single and gay. I see a 25 year old college grad with brown hair, green eyes, 5’6” and a feminine figure. I see an out going guy with a small smile upon his muzzle and with short-combed yellow fur. When I look in the reflection off the mirror in my room, I see the same guy, but with a secret that no one knows about. I see myself wearing bra and panties. Every time I dress myself in female’s clothing, I question myself about who I am and what I am. I think about what I put underneath my clothes and why I do it. I was not born this way nor is dressing up in female clothing a fetish for me. This is who I am. I am a male who likes to wear female garments.

My body is slender – hardly a passing for a macho male body. I don’t have a six-pack nor bulging muscles. I’m as frail as a twig and as thin as one to boot. My voice is soft and my fingers are nimble. I was born this way, and no matter how much I tried to change my body to look more “manly”, I always find myself going back to my thin frame.

I remember when I was a kitten, my older sister would used to dress me up in her clothes like a doll as a fun game. To be honest, I didn’t really mind at all being a dressed up doll. I found it interesting going from pants to skirts. I never complained. I really wanted to try on different outfits she had. When I was in my mid teens, I would secretly go to the clothing store and buy myself female undergarments for myself. No one knew about it, not even my parents. I would always wear them under my regular boy-ish outfits. It was like a taboo secret that only I knew. Years past and my body started to change. As it did, so did my selection of clothing. In my late years in high school, I wore tighter shirts and cute pants that were more or less designed for the female figure. Of coarse, at that time, I knew I was gay. I never wore them at home, but changed from one pair of clothing to another when I was at school. I was made fun of quite a lot in school due to my outfits and my behavior, from both girls and boys. They thought of me as a clown or a freak.

One day, I got in trouble for wearing a skirt instead of pants and was brought home where my parents heard the entire story from the Dean and the school’s therapist. It was very embarrassing! I just wanted to dig a hole and hide in it forever. I told them everything and showed them what I hid in my closet and dresser. I even told them that I was gay. They were not happy to say the least. I was scolded, blamed and punished by both of my parents. They made me throw everything out and forced me to buy male clothing. They wanted me to change my hair and attitude, even went as far to force me into counseling for two years, hoping that I would be “fixed”.

Throughout my high school years, I wore what my parents told me to wear, checking me every time to make sure I was not wearing a bra and had boxers on my hips. When I went to college out of state and had my own room, I went back to my feminine attire. I bought more interesting undergarments and clothing that I could enjoy. For the most part, I just wore my female undergarments under my boy-ish clothing; a secret only I would know. From what happened at high school and with my parents, I remained wearing guy clothing on the outside, keeping my secret hidden away from the public. The only time I would go out with a skirt or short shorts, and high shirts is when I went to gay night clubs where furs like me somewhat dressed in the same way. I was more like myself during those “flirty” and playful moments. I use a different name and dye my hair to look more like a girly-boy feline. I do this so people wont recognize me out on the street and point me out, or if someone who knows my parents would recognize me and I would be in bigger shit because of it. I don’t want to go back to those moments again.

I tell no one about my secret wardrobe. My close friends don’t know about it. I feel like I can’t trust anyone and I always worry that their reactions for a male wearing female underwear is disgusting and vial. They might ignore me or make fun of me, knowing how emotionally frail I am. So I keep it a secret, but it is something that I want to tell someone with pride, something that I want to show to that person, male or female, and tell them that this is what I enjoy wearing and this is what makes me feel comfortable. I just want to shout out “I enjoy wearing female clothing!”

Now, what you are thinking right now is “Why don’t I have a sex change?” or “Why do you wear those female undergarments anyway even after what happened?” To be honest, I feel very comfortable wearing female undergarments. I feel secure, almost like it is my comfort zone. I wear them because I like them. Do I plan to have surgery to make my body more feminine? No. I will always have balls and a flat chest. Do I feel somewhat ashamed because of what I wear? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I question it: “What is a male? What is the correct way for a male to act in public? What is the correct way for a gay male to act in public? Is even being gay normal?” I have so many questions and not many answers. I get depressed because of it. I would always sulk or almost throw all my panties and bras away. I would convince myself that I am a disgusting feline. I would remember what my parents said to me when I got in trouble when I was younger. I just feel so alone.

My only motivation for doing what I do is by going online on Club Stripes or at the gay night club and seeing other gay furs with the same body type I do, wearing the same kinds of feminine clothing. I also get my motivation by the magazine clippings from Gay Fur Pride and from the newspapers about gay furs. Every time I see those images, I do my best to look like them and to have the same amount of self-respect that they portray to the world. I don’t know how long I plan to dress like this. Maybe it is just a faze. Maybe it is just something that I will soon get bored with. Maybe my mate ( when I find one ) will convince me to change.

While that time comes to pass, I will continue to wear what I feel comfortable wearing and be proud of it, even if some know about it or don’t. It makes me feel good and comfortable, so I will continue to do it. This is my secret and I will admit this: I look very cute in purple panties!

Thank you,
- Andrew ( Andrea )

Transmute © 2008 Alex Cockburn. All rights reserved.

Dedicated to those who are unique and feel comfortable about who they are.