July 18th,

It was just another day for me. I have been having some hard times with my life, but I am slowly bringing everything together and putting them into place. It has been a rough few months for me, Diary, but I am building up the strength to complete and fix everything in my life. I have also made some new friends, supportive friends. I hang out with them a lot and tell them what is on my mind. They do the same without hesitation.

You can tell that my hand is shaking and my handwriting is not as nice as I usually write, Diary. That is because something happened to me and I am still in shock about it. I admit that I have not been telling you the entire tale of my month...I was depressed for a few weeks and I somewhat had enough. I was seeing this guy from school by the name or Drew. He seemed like a nice guy and he does make me laugh. One night, he wanted to hang out with me, more or less go on a date with me.

Now Diary, I told you half a year ago that I was not ready for a relationship with anyone. After my breakup with my exbf, I just wanted to be on my own and fix what I can with my life. I told him that and everyone else as clear as wind, but something went out of control.

One night, I was feeling very depressed and decided to mask it by drinking myself into a giggly mood. But later, that was a big mistake. I found myself...naked beside Drew. I knew what happened and i can still remember it clearly. ( he used protection, so dont worry about that ). Drew is an interesting person, but yet I question his view to me. When I was drunk, I remember him saying something about how attractive I was when drunk. I did not question it at the time...

After a few times of sleeping with him, there was another point where I had sex with him, but foolishly without...protection. After a few days, I realized that I might be pregnant. When I told him, and his first words were " Ah, shit... " He tried to hide the fact that he got me pregnant and told me to have an abortion. I told him, plain out, that I cant do that because I dont believe in it. He then threatened me that if I dont get it, he will push me away. When he said that, I realized how much of an asshole he was and that his only goal with me was to see me naked.

Now I am here, writing to you, Diary. How can someone be so cruel like that? I know I am at fault for not being more careful, but there was a gap in my heart that I wanted to fill. He was there, but he was not the right one. Instead, he made things a lot worse. Now I have something new to add to my life list...I dont know what to do. Now I am more scared than ever. I haven't told anyone about this except for a few friends. My family doesn't know about this or what happened...

What should I do, Diary? Should I kill it or give birth to it? If so, how will I have enough money to support it and who will help me??

- Jessica.


* * *

Personally, I dont understand how Drew would try to ignore something like that. There are things about the male species that I dont really understand about at all. If they get someone pregnant, why do some try to run away, not wanting to take responsibility for their actions. Jessica should have been more careful, but I blame Drew more than her because he took advantage over her while intoxicated and had sex with her, seeing that this might be his chance to do it with her. Now he burdens her with a bundle and does not want to seem to face the fact that he too is in trouble.

I have heard these kinds of stories from different "victims" on TV, the newspaper, and even friends: They have sex with a guy without protection, gets pregnant and the male ( tries to ) run away, leaving her to care for the child, blaming everything on her. I admit that getting someone pregnant is a shock, more like a ton of bricks to the face. It means that there will be another life coming into their world and they are not prepared for it at all, life-wise and even money-wise. They dont want that kind of responsibility because they have a large list of problems of their own and they dont want to add the word "baby" to their list. So, they try to ignore it, repeating to themselves that it was all a dream and not real. Cowards.

Having sex while intoxicated is not really a smart thing to do. No one really knows what is happening, it just feels good to just do it. They put lust in front of logic first, and what they are all sobered up, they realize what happened. Its even worse if one person is drunk and the other is sober, and that person takes advantage over the intoxicated one's body and mind, altering the way that person thinks and feels.

Never EVER take advantage over someone for just sex. Sex is another way to show how much you love and care for someone, to show them your 'secret', to open up to them on a new level... not just to empty your load or frustration and then leave without saying "thank you". Many dont see that and I cant tell them about it. Thousands of people have different views about sex: some love it and can have multiple partners, or some take it seriously, or some dont give a shit. Sex is promoted in almost everything in the world, so it is no wonder that many feel more hornier than they do before.

Im trailing, I know...but I am not please with this subject, but I feel it was something I had to put my two cents in...

- Ookami Kemono

Im pregnant © 2007 Alex Cockburn