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Diary. April 5th '10.
"What is going on in my life now? Why does it feel so dull? Spring is here. Winter has passed us. The sun is out. Why do I still feel groggy and slow? The coming of spring is like a new year for me. A new start. But I don't feel that. Today is like the same like any other day for me.
I'm not motivated to do anything. I remember graduation 4 years ago. Getting my BFA soon from college. Did I really deserve it? Did I work as hard as I thought for it? I felt like I didn't. Everything is all he same for me. I felt like all I did was crap and they just want me out.
I'm not pleased with my style. It doesn't speak to me. My professors said that everyone has their own style - a reflection of themselves from the inside, shown by lines and color. I feel like mine is a mess. Hardly use color in my works. Im envious over other people's styles. People with futures.
I don't have an job in art. My portfolio is not strong enough. My style is not unique. It's not respected professionally. My skills are small compared to others. Was art really my passion? Should I want to go down that road? I have to. Got to get my BFA. I'm obligated. Everyone in my class got a job in the arts. I'm the only one left out. Black sheep who couldn't.
What am I going to do with my life? Every year is the same. Nothing really changed. No motivation. Got a job. Not an art job. Crappy job. Pays the rent. What I do for commissions pays for food. Not much. Just enough for two meals a day. That's enough. Felt like my style hasn't grown. Maybe it has. I can't see it. I try to push myself. Everything comes out the same. No big projects. Have some in mind. Ending up asking myself 'Why should I start? Why should I do it? A waste of time to even start.'
No motivation. That's it. 'Get motivated!' That's what my professors told me. I draw because it's me. Draw a picture every day. A doodle. It's like a drug. A daily fix. Venting. Venting is good. Get it all down on paper. Whatever I feel, I put down on paper.
I'm not a hermit or shut-in, but I hardly leave the house. Always in my room, sitting at my desk. TV next to me. Computer right in front of me. Art supplies at my feet. hardly go out except for food. Friends are all busy at work. Away in another state. Doesn't want to hang out. Don't know any other artists. Can't really draw with anyone else.
I splash water in my face. Cold water. Was hoping that would wake me up. Get some sense into me. It doesn't. I look in the mirror and ask myself 'Why?'. Can't really answer my own questions. Being an isolated starving artist sucks...
Need to get motivated. Clothes stink. I need to do a wash. After that, not sure. Maybe doodle something. At least that is drawing something. I'll talk to you later."
A Wet Face © 2010 Alex Cockburn
"What is going on in my life now? Why does it feel so dull? Spring is here. Winter has passed us. The sun is out. Why do I still feel groggy and slow? The coming of spring is like a new year for me. A new start. But I don't feel that. Today is like the same like any other day for me.
I'm not motivated to do anything. I remember graduation 4 years ago. Getting my BFA soon from college. Did I really deserve it? Did I work as hard as I thought for it? I felt like I didn't. Everything is all he same for me. I felt like all I did was crap and they just want me out.
I'm not pleased with my style. It doesn't speak to me. My professors said that everyone has their own style - a reflection of themselves from the inside, shown by lines and color. I feel like mine is a mess. Hardly use color in my works. Im envious over other people's styles. People with futures.
I don't have an job in art. My portfolio is not strong enough. My style is not unique. It's not respected professionally. My skills are small compared to others. Was art really my passion? Should I want to go down that road? I have to. Got to get my BFA. I'm obligated. Everyone in my class got a job in the arts. I'm the only one left out. Black sheep who couldn't.
What am I going to do with my life? Every year is the same. Nothing really changed. No motivation. Got a job. Not an art job. Crappy job. Pays the rent. What I do for commissions pays for food. Not much. Just enough for two meals a day. That's enough. Felt like my style hasn't grown. Maybe it has. I can't see it. I try to push myself. Everything comes out the same. No big projects. Have some in mind. Ending up asking myself 'Why should I start? Why should I do it? A waste of time to even start.'
No motivation. That's it. 'Get motivated!' That's what my professors told me. I draw because it's me. Draw a picture every day. A doodle. It's like a drug. A daily fix. Venting. Venting is good. Get it all down on paper. Whatever I feel, I put down on paper.
I'm not a hermit or shut-in, but I hardly leave the house. Always in my room, sitting at my desk. TV next to me. Computer right in front of me. Art supplies at my feet. hardly go out except for food. Friends are all busy at work. Away in another state. Doesn't want to hang out. Don't know any other artists. Can't really draw with anyone else.
I splash water in my face. Cold water. Was hoping that would wake me up. Get some sense into me. It doesn't. I look in the mirror and ask myself 'Why?'. Can't really answer my own questions. Being an isolated starving artist sucks...
Need to get motivated. Clothes stink. I need to do a wash. After that, not sure. Maybe doodle something. At least that is drawing something. I'll talk to you later."
A Wet Face © 2010 Alex Cockburn
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© 2010 - 2024 o-kemono
Comments17
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I do hope this isn't an artwork in which you have mirrored what you are feeling, because your art is amazing. The drawings you make, the stories you create, the emotion inserted into each one of them is just amazing. I hope I can reach your level someday. Even tough I am merely a hobbyist, I take drawing very seriously. You are a very talented artist.